Final Distraction.

Even if the title is a dream, nothing wrong with dreams right?
Wrong. At least for today. After spending the majority of the past two semesters in a state of mass confusion, I have finally taken a step forward. Instead of using lifelong dreams and fear as a crutch, I am going to take a hard right or left. Who’s to say.

A recent revelation of wanting happiness during this short life has brought me back to the basics. With no guarantee that there is anything afterwards, there is no point in living it miserably. Time to let myself to get on a path filled with the things that cause me to exude passion and joy for life. Can’t have a tattoo forever telling the world to “find the joy in life” everyday, while knowing that I my self did not do so. Hypocrites suck.

Majors, minors I hate you both. I just want to learn. Isn’t the point to take your passions, mix it with knowledge, and create your own potion to better the world? Even if only your little world and the beautiful souls you have been blessed to have in it. Tired of running blind. Time to continue the search for my soul and its every desire. Hopefully I make the appropriate decision, so that its impact on my semester abroad will be nothing short of a reward for allowing myself to go after whatever it is I truly want. Who knows, maybe once I jump off this train Wales will light street lights along the path I choose to walk.

Are you worthwhile?

As the dreary day commenced, I scurried to throw on a fadora and get to class on time.

When I first awoke I didn't realize what a ponderous day it would become.

One question has circled through my mind all day and for the past few weeks. What is it that makes a relationship worthwhile? Whether it be a romantic relationship, friendship, or relative - what is it that makes certain ones so special?

Is it mutual respect? Maybe an unrivaled ability to make you laugh? What draws you back to that same person everyday? Each person who's apart of my life in some way is circling through my mind, and I am becoming sickeningly aware of some relationships that do not make me grow or become better. Is that a requirement? Intellectual stimulation has become almost as important as a good laugh in my world. I have always pined for it, but was never truly aware of how it is so close to breath in this short life. Funny and smart - I have seen it happen, I will find you.

I checked the mail today, only to find something from Thailand. Why would my father mail me something? It turned out to be nothing other than my W-2, but it brought to light the fact that I knew when opening it that it wouldn't actually be something from him. Recent contemplations of relationships have shown me that though I have moved past the pain, I live those experiences everyday by how they have shaped my personality, who I am in general, and how I see the world. It is not something I can just leave in the past and act as though it never happened. Though I will never have a relationship with my father, I have learned an immense number of life lessons from him. I suppose that is his job, right? I now know exactly how not to treat people, which is something I am specifically grateful to have learned early in relation with adulthood. I fail miserably some days, but I am thankful to be aware. Due to his contribution, I am genetically programmed to build relationships at arms length. It is, honest to god, the thing I love and hate most about myself. It has given me a great people perception, but at the same time, I still struggle with allowing in those I have come to trust. In case we never speak again,

"Thanks for allowing me to appreciate all people, music that stirs the soul, appreciating an amazing meal & glass of fine wine, and most importantly a passion to see as much of the world as I possibly can. Hope you got what you wanted out of your life."

fuck that - this apple is a different shade.

I have always been the independent girl who has never prioritized boys. All the goals and ambitions have taken the top slot for most of my life. As I sit and stress at 4 AM about what will come years from now, I realize I should probably be worrying about the classes only hours away instead. Unfortunately, however, the fear of whether or not I am on the right path takes precedence. A successful lawyer who would probably be a workaholic was a future I was not only okay with, I was excited about it. As I continue to grow into myself I am realizing that is not all I want. A lonely workaholic in the city who might still be unsuccessful in this work force and economy is not what I want for my life. I do not want to be my father. Fuck apple and tree metaphors, I decide my life. A miserable life alone and bitter with a fake smile for the world is not the future I should be building for this short life of mine. I do want to find someone to share it with, not to mention friends to help laugh off the day. Writing and music have become the things that bring me joy, how to make that my life? Funny it is said college is when you find yourself, I wish half way through didn't feel and seem like too late to change your mind. It just might be.
Since when do I allow fear to control and inhibit me. I believe if I work hard I will be a damn good lawyer. I suppose the real question needing to be answered is can you, specifically I, have both parts of life successfully. I will definitely have to plant a new tree for that one.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow...

Spring Break came and went with a vengeance.

It was peaceful and quaint,

I adored it.

The only negative was not picking up one of the many books I have bought,

and have yet to read.

Other than the glorious nine-mile beach side bike rides,

as an impeccable change to my cardio regimen,

the best part was the two days in Nashville.

I got to be surrounded once again by the creatives I love so much.

Two of my absolute favorite people welcomed me home,

guitars in hand.

No better hello.

How I miss the days spent discussing such rivoting parts of life,

with such beautiful people.

To put simply,

I adore them and their amazing talents.

Go figure,

none of them realize just how much talent they possess.

I will soon be in that place in life that I want to be,

and I am beginning to see the light come up over the horizon.

Knoxville is a pothole on the drive into the city,

I'll be there soon - smiles a blazin'.

Until then,

Wales I look forward to a semester growing through you,

and your neighbors.

the perfect storm

Soul depleting as everything else suffocates.
Been drowning through the perfect storm,
As the waves continue to crash.
Grasping and grasping,
I cannot reach the surface.
Will it ever come,
How long can the body take the suffrage?
Small, quick breaths and moments of light,
Only keep the organs functioning.
Twenty years have come and gone,
I need meaning behind my breath.
And yet I have only seen a glimpse of the sunshine outside of this storm.
Mother nature allow the storm to cease,
and my soul to release.