East of Eden.

My mind is racing even though I'm tired.
I want to sleep, but I want to think.
I want to read, but I want to be conscious enough to soak up every word.
It's amazing how the thought of reading 'the classics' in high school was dreadful,
and now I find them rivoting.

Wow, that was quick.
The drooping has begun.
Goodnight.

"Where everybody knows your name..."

"Friendships come and go..."
A classic phrase expressed throughout a person's life.
Not exactly the best concept to be taught if you think about it.
From a young child to adulthood it gives a cop-out
for every time you let a friendship fall by the wayside.

After cycling through the past few years of friendships,
I have definitely made my cop-outs.
Then my brain churns over being the person who fell to the wayside.
As I really think about it,
it's like divorce without all the paperwork.

Friendships, for some people, are the closest relationships they have ever had.
Allowing yourself to let someone into your soul and know you through and through
is no small feat.
Especially when those friends are what become family,
making the 'divorce' every ounce as more painful.

I am not one to allow people fully into my world with ease.
I love meeting people and making new friends,
but to truly let someone into my life is and always will be difficult for me.
Until recently I never fully mulled over the pains and losses from friendships past.
It brings to light, in my mind, those who truly know virtually every page in the story of my life to date.
The concept is trivial, but time really does mean something.

There are not many,
very, very few actually,
friends from prior to college I still stay in contact with.
Mulling over that has its pains,
but true joys when realizing those who have affected me in such a way that I still miss them,
on a regular basis.

The list is minimal,
but very close to my heart.
I pray every day a divorce is not to come in any fashion.
Missing and loving,
Brittany

Steinbeck and Classic Rock

Organized education is something I have never quite thought twice about,
until recently.
After dealing with inane professors and topics irrelevant to my existence,
I am becoming continually more against the concept.
Go figure I plan on a three-year post-graduate collegiate education.
Wow.
The idea has never bothered me before because I enjoy learning,
but life is short.
How happy I would be to have the life of a wandering artist.
I find the thought of a completely unstructured life,
thoroughly appealing.
Luckily I don't have my heights set on getting married.
Not that I have ANY artistic abilities to speak of,
so talk about wishful thinking.
I daydream of another life,
not possible for me to live.
Instead I strive for the structured life of a lawyer.
Entertainment attached to the front gives it something,
I suppose.
How invigorating would it be to able to live a happy life,
and get an education by reading Steinbeck,
and jamming to such geniuses as Creedence Creekwater Revival, Zeppelin,
The Who, The Rolling Stone, Eric Clapton, etc.
I should have been an actor.
An Indie film actor to be specific.
No celebrity.
Now to mix it all together into the life I actually live,
and live it to the fullest.
So I continue striving for New York,
with my spare time filled with Steinbeck in hand,
and Classic Rock in the ears.
ONWARD!

Happy Happy, Joy Joy

Holidays, oh holidays.
Hope and happiness restored?
I try and try.
The dream of holidays is kept in my mind,
but the actuality is oh so very different.
Thanksgiving spent with my sister's-boyfriend's family...
Only to come back to Knoxville on Friday,
for no reason than nothing else to do.
Thanksgiving only being a three-day holiday makes that okay.

Christmas Break, however, is coming full speed ahead.
10 days until the hell that is my current finals situation is over.
Then what?
I have no idea.
To go the zillion miles to Gulf Shores into Awkward Hell,
Or...
I suppose the only other option is stay in Knoxville in a friend's apartment...
Happy Holidays.

(A more upbeat post soon to follow, ha)

Killin' Cancer Cells with Pinot.

I want that group of friends at the jazz club,
drinking bottles of pinot,
laughing and loving.

That's what joy is,
in my mind.

'That' group of friends.
You can think of it as Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey if you like.
Just change Central Perk and coffee to Art&Soul wine bar.

Living, Loving, and Letting Live.
Appreciating everything about each other,
especially the flaws.
Growing everyday from simply knowing one another.
The poetry of everyday life.

Laugh and smile everyday,
it's what your soul wants you to do.

Whether ticklin' the keys brings you joy,
or going to the frat house with your sisters,
just do it with a smile.

Drinking my pinot (I wish) listening to Jazz Holiday,
Brittany

Love

It had to come up sooner or later.
Love.
No other title will suffice the subject.

I am literally, virtually the only person I know who has never been in love.
In my mind, I know there is good reason.
In my soul, however, there is that burning curiosity.
The feeling and awe expressed in the music I adore so much,
I do not comprehend.
Or that look of utter joy on the faces of friends and strangers,
when looking at the one they call love.
It is a subject I willingly admit ignorance to,
not because I want to be,
but because it is an opportunity I have yet to be granted.
At least to my knowledge.
Who knows what doors or windows I did not realize were in front of me.
That is life - is it not,
Ignorance is bliss, right?
Maybe the inner-me knows I have yet to be ready,
not that I know what I need to be ready for.

I would love to know what it is like to have that much care for another being.
Obviously, the beautiful love of friendship has transformed my life,
But I know it must be much different.
From some of what I have witnessed it would seem so.
Other instances aren't so inspiring, unfortunately.
I think the possibility of the end might would be worth what happens in between.
Heartbreak has to be misery, loneliness has its moments too.

My heart is open to it.
The crack might be small,
But I believe the right person will seep through with perfect ease.
If you will send it my way I am here,
Waiting patiently.

Cordially... Brittany

Waves.

Pledge 2 Protect Conference 2009

Washington D.C.

I sit. I contemplate. I hurt.

I knew coming into this conference that the subject was going to be heavy,

Obviously.

Realizing and experiencing are two extremely different entities.

Breakfast was simple,

A nice bagel and cream cheese as you listen to remarkably knowledgeable and intelligent people speak.

All it took was one two-minute video.

I do not cry very often about things in my own life, but the suffering of others melts the ice every time.

The first educational session was a large group of Sudanese people talking in a forum-like atmosphere with a Sudanese man leading.

The facts were heartbreaking, but the atmosphere was in such an educational format, emotions were not as easily released.

Then came the second educational session.

As an avid art lover, I knew this would be an amazing session.

Every time it happens, it hits me like a gust of wind off the Hudson swirling in between a building you just happen to be walking by,

in winter.

Inspirational, creative minds are my weakness.

It never fails.

The five-person panel, each of them hitting me with a different wave of emotion.

Each so compelling it’s almost frustrating.

People willing to give all of their time and self to spread their passion are of the most beautiful.

What I would give to have more of that soul,

and more of those souls in my life.

Thank you DC, I thoroughly enjoyed you.

Poetry in Motion

What is it about a deep breath during a brisk fall night,

that makes everything in life seem even that much more beautiful?

No matter your mood.

Walking down the street on a fall night,

looking up as you take in the freshness of fall air,

all you see is beauty.

Whether it be a leaf crinkling under your feet below,

or the swift movement of a squirrel across the street nearby,

it all happens with smooth, poetic motion.

Life in general is more poetic in the fall season.

Knee-slapping laughs come a little more often,

friendships grow a little deeper,

and hats become even more comfy.

I can only imagine the heavenly sensation of those taking a stroll in Central Park.

Endorphines

Help.

I do not understand.

Why is it that randomly I will get my life together and run everyday for a week,

but then stop.

Even though I thoroughly enjoy the feeling immediately after and the next morning.

Not to mention less guilt when treating yourself,

while no longer having as much desire to.

Wouldn't it be nice if the world made something so heavenly a little more fun during?

I just need to find my niche in the realm of endorphines.

Biking in Thailand was fun, I like to swim.

Too bad I don't see either of those having easy access in my day-to-day life.

Books on tape, eh?

Like the saying goes, nothing worth having comes easy.

Someone kick my tail outside and get me moving.

I do love the cold.

Tinglies

Crushes occur for most people rather easily.

I on the other hand have the hardest time liking someone.

Somehow within the past month or so, I have come across this tingling sensation twice.

It is quite fun for someone to make laughing even that much more fun.

Common interests in conversation don't hurt either.

Will this be the turning point in the lack of relationships in my life?

Who the hell knows.

Not I,

but it is quite fun to have the tingling thoughts of maybe again.

Squealing tea pot, mouth duck-taped, hands tied behind your back.

It is beyond sad to have such extreme emotions occur it reaction to ... dun dun dun.

A facebook album.

Before all thoughts go to boy-stalking,

rethink whose thoughts you are reading.

My entire being just filled with such complete sadness and jealousy,

my eyes even began to water.

This is unhealthy.

I suppose I have known this for years now.

You should have guessed by now,

seeing as to it is sadly mentioned in most if not all posts.

New York.

Pictures of my friend, visiting my friend, should in no way bring on such a strong reaction.

The number of solutions to this problem is unfortunately extremely close to zero.

Lets hope maybe this blog will be good practice in writing that magic essay,

that sets my sails in the luscious winds and waters of NYU Law School.

If not maybe there will be a window opening in the horizon of the plan B I never thought I would have.

Plan A has been around for so long,

maybe its time to think about taking the train in instead of a private jet.

Is it fair to begin entertaining the thoughts of allowing plan A chapter titles to fade from sharpie to pencil in the unwritten novel of my life.

I hope I enjoy its title as much as I do these.

Flabbergasted.

Have you ever had all words taken straight from your mouth?

In such shock, that so many things are spinning through your head at once,

you cannot grasp onto one.

One person brings on more than others.

My mother.

If you know her you understand,

unless she is your therapist.

Once again I cannot even put it into words.

Blood pressure rising,

sedative needed,

these are a mother-daughter relationship.

Cliche.

The little things in life.

Yes, one of those cliches.

Unfortunately, they are so for a reason.

A compliment so small can mean oh so much.

Especially in correlation with something that brings such joy.

I thoroughly enjoy writing.

To add to the cliche, I learned that about myself in college.

Whether blogging, or just putting random sentences together on Word.

Every sentence makes me feel that much better inside.

The smile in my heart gets a little bigger with every tap of the keys.

I hope my future blogs, articles, and/or book will entertain more than just you and me.

Thank you, Megan.

Namalicious

Today has been a good one, correction, great one.
I have gotten to take in meaningful, deep conversation with a glorious friend.
Even better, while eating my favorite sushi roll to date.
One for the books really.
Great topics such as fashion, books, New York, goals, and life.
A good place is around the corner, I feel it.
Thank you CSimp.

Refreshing Taste of Home

After a glorious Geology lab on Friday I stressfully scurried around to get out of Knox.
So incredibly worth it.
Pulled into town, headed straight for Belmont.
An extremely fun, simple night with a dear friend and those she calls friend.
Thoroughly enjoyed the company of each.
Belmont Boulevard is fantastic.
I am embarrassed to have not known of it while I lived in Nashville.
PM and it's feng shui & sushi, Bongo Java filled with mocha and puppies, and the beautiful houses they compliment.
Nothing better to follow than a day in Green Hills slightly filling the gaps in a desperate wardrobe.
The disgrace of UT Football was not enough to bring down such a lovely high.
A good day with mom, beautiful night with a great friend, and an afternoon chat with a second mom makes for a superb rejuvenating weekend in the streets of Nash.
Sprite has nothing on the thirst quenching taste of home.

Coffee Dilemma

I have gone and confused myself.
Remedy Coffee is bigger and has a more open loft feel.
It also has better music and comfortable seating.
Coffee&Chocolate is more quaint, QUIETER, very small, and cheaper/better coffee.
It is also IN Market Square.
Don't know what to do.
The people I got to people watch at C&C were more interesting.
I get the older coffee break from work vibe here.
C&C had the eccentric folks.
This parking is more convenient, but never free.
I think C&C wins.
Thanks little Manhattan virtual corner.
You're always there to help me figure out my life.

<3

My Little Nook

I have found it.
My nook of Knoxville.
Coffee & Chocolate.
I am sitting on a side street of Market Square in a precious, very small coffee shop.
I have a view of a huge Regions building with a sweet, little park behind it.
Utterly urban.
The feng shui doesn't hurt.
Thanks goodness I have found my little New York cafe.
I can be five years old and pretend.
I have zero problems with that :)

Wanting something too badly?

I went to a meeting for a fraternity named Phi Alpha Delta tonight.
Never have I left a meeting feeling so incredibly overwhelmed before.
I have wanted one specific thing, consistently, for the majority of my life.
I want to be in New York.
After many inconsistencies in life, as most endure, having such a powerful passion and intense love for something has always taken me off guard.
I have never loved anything or desired for anything more.
I have always known what a difficult journey it was going to be to accomplish the details of this goal.
New York University Law School is number 4 in the nation.
Tonight I got to be slapped in the face with the point-by-point facts of exactly what it takes to do so.
Luckily as I sit and try to decompress I realize, yes everything happens for a reason.
I love New York enough to, for one, try with every fiber of my being to attain the academia needed to be accepted.
New York is not something I ever put in a questionable sense.
Tonight, however, I had to go through and pick law schools from all over in order to be realistic.
As a person who is a complete mixture of realism and idealism, it was not an easy thing to do.
I WILL give my all to accomplish what is necessary to achieve my joyous goal.
If not, however, the law school in which I attend will still be great and it will be for an intended purpose.
The facts do not change with that possibility though.
I will be a New Yorker.
Possibly the happiest one you ever meet.

Learning life

This summer has had no positive attributes accept for lessons learned.
Hello adulthood, nice to meet you.
I am happy about it though.
After this past week, getting to go home, I now know a very important fact.
Nashville will always be that initial 'home'.
Also, possibly even more importantly, New York City will be the only place worth it for me to drop everything and adore.
Other maybes are second place junctures such as Chicago.
That could be the only other.
I once thought California, but after this Florida experience I do not have much faith any longer in that being a good choice.
Basically, a theme to virtually all of these posts, New York it has been, is, and always will be you.
I cannot wait till I graduate.
I pray you are my graduation present.
All my love,
Brittany.

is blood thicker

My father has been here for nine days and I have never been more miserable.
My friends do nothing but bring me joy with only a minimal amount of strife, out of love however.

In this case if friends are considered water, it is much, much thicker.

Just a game?

Why do I care so much?
It is just a tennis match, between two people I have never met or seen before in my life.
So why do I care so much? Screams, kicks, hollers, and a cigarette with a loss.
Who knows why we care about what we do, but when Jankovic walks on court I can be sure there is a possibility of a near heart-attack experience.

Peaceful contemplation.

I sit here, in someone else's home, contemplating if my own actually feels as though it is mine yet.
It has been mine for I suppose three weeks now and it has yet to have that feeling of comfort.
This home, however, has a more comfortable feel because it is the location I have had the most human interaction and conversation since arriving in my new home, Florida.

With a French singer of English and French songs ringing in the air, I can do nothing but dream of sitting in a corner table of a Manhattan cafe doing exactly as I am now. The only difference being I am about to head out amongst the crazy spirits and streets of Manhattan to meet what I imagine would be my soul mate group of friends. We laugh, enjoy a cocktail, and all with a jazz soundtrack.

I dream of this for a very simple reason. I have never felt as I do within the city limits of New York, New York. Some love, some hate, I adore. If I could drop out of school and somehow survive off of some meaningless job there I would. Only if more of my long nineteen years could have been spent breathing the polluted air that is the love of my life.

If that had been the case, it might not mean as much it does. To be able to strive to have something that has so much meaning is beautiful. As well as if I had not grown up in Nashville with the people who have impacted my life so much, I would not be who I am and New York would not be such a compelling and crucial component to who I am.

I have never actually thought about this before, as the always "future entertainment lawyer", I could be so happy living life rallying for what I believe in. I would adore being able to do that never leaving Gotham City, but at the same time traveling the world rallying my passions would mean just as much. Am I saying I do not want to be a lawyer anymore? No, I do think I will enjoy and thrive in the career, but I do believe I will find a way to incorporate that with my love for people, equality, peace, Manhattan, and cultures worldwide. Plus, it might help finance these passions. School it is.

No matter my views on sprituality, I pray that be my future.
Thank you Nashville, handful of people there I hold so dearly, and Manhattan for always being a reminder of what is to come. I love you all.