Monday, March 15, 2010

fuck that - this apple is a different shade.



I have always been the independent girl who has never prioritized boys. All the goals and ambitions have taken the top slot for most of my life. As I sit and stress at 4 AM about what will come years from now, I realize I should probably be worrying about the classes only hours away instead. Unfortunately, however, the fear of whether or not I am on the right path takes precedence. A successful lawyer who would probably be a workaholic was a future I was not only okay with, I was excited about it. As I continue to grow into myself I am realizing that is not all I want. A lonely workaholic in the city who might still be unsuccessful in this work force and economy is not what I want for my life. I do not want to be my father. Fuck apple and tree metaphors, I decide my life. A miserable life alone and bitter with a fake smile for the world is not the future I should be building for this short life of mine. I do want to find someone to share it with, not to mention friends to help laugh off the day. Writing and music have become the things that bring me joy, how to make that my life? Funny it is said college is when you find yourself, I wish half way through didn't feel and seem like too late to change your mind. It just might be.
Since when do I allow fear to control and inhibit me. I believe if I work hard I will be a damn good lawyer. I suppose the real question needing to be answered is can you, specifically I, have both parts of life successfully. I will definitely have to plant a new tree for that one.

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