Falling into Wonderland, someone catch me.

Last night’s antics in combination with a couple weeks of tough feelings equalled life giving me a few slaps in the face. It is a black eye I am happy about because I think it is scaring me into actually figuring something out. A lack of experience and lack of specific path have me scared shitless about the next five years. I do not know what I am headed towards, if anything at all.

I have not felt connected to anything or anyone in some time now. Leaving and coming back was easy at first. That giddy sense of return and love quickly fades into reality, and everyone falls back into the place there lives went without you around. You once again learn who really cares, but no one is never a welcomed realization. It is what I think a rabbit hole would feel like. Alice I’m still falling, send someone to catch me, would ya? I’m ready for the Wonderland part.

I want to graduate and begin a life of working and progressing something incredibly interesting. Easy to say, trying to figure out how the hell to make it remotely likely.

Back to the root of thought... or trying

I have been very distraught recently by my lack of inspiration in general.
As I have been pondering the differences in mindset between my most inspired times and least, I notice I no longer give myself the time to have a thought worth sharing or writing down. When listening to music is not enough, especially when you are one to become all consumed in it musical wonder. The thoughts come in and out and circle around, but are destroyed the moment the follow-up is useless apps such as … dun dun dun Facebook.
I have never been a big fan, but after realizing that possible connection it is time for our relationship to end. At least for a while.

One might call me out for not doing the same with Twitter, but in my opinion the two are very different. I get to share and experience others’ ponderous thoughts that spark actual conversations. Sad they have to be virtual. I need older friends or different ones.

I’d say the fact that it just brought me to put down my advertising book and blog in general is a good sign. Maybe I will reconnect with myself soon, who knows maybe other people too. I think I need to find myself again first, or the latter won’t work either.

More blog thoughts are coming through, I think it is a good sign. Hope the wires are beginning to spark again, lets hope I can twist them together again.

Living the dream, reach for the stars

The past few days have been full of the best feelings and of some intense internal battles,
but doesn't it often go that way.

Most importantly the actuality of studying abroad began this week,
not because classes started but because I actual got to live the life of a local.
My flatmate, Gwen, is an epic surfer and took us to one of the many beaches in Swansea,
but one a good ways out from campus.
The cutesy, organic cafes looking out onto the waves crashing against cliffs was absolutely jaw-dropping.
We also went out to one tonight instead of the popular techno club scene.

Staring out into a vast expanse of sea and stars with two fresh friendships in the dark is lovely on any day,
but in another country with a new British friend it is incomparable.
Especially as you are discussing the contours of life, family, and passion with people who don't already know you on that level.
It brings out the excitement of new friendships and the inner angst of being without those who already know.

I miss genuinely and extremely miss 'my people',
but I can see the new friendships coming on the horizon and cannot wait.
After the realization today that I have already been here a month I fear I have wasted time.
As I prepare to plan my birthday weekend in Prague tomorrow,
I look forward to the day-to-day additions coming as well.

I just got an e-mail from the Media Society,
which I cannot wait to jump in to and get some actual experience with my interests,
and possibly find a little direction.
Though the expanse of my interests can be quite exhilarating,
and will always continue to be on overload in this ridiculous head of mine.

Don't think, just do?

The wheels inside my head continuously turn,
leaving each answered thought disrupted by the next.
The constant veering between avenues,
only allowing for an onset of more to ponder.

Tonight the wheels are centralizing on a very cliche topic for a college student.
What path am I on and where exactly am I trying to get?

There are a couple things I know about what I want to come in the future.
I want there to be music, writing, and New York.
In what context though?

So many aspects of different sects I find thoroughly enticing:
Music production, band management, music supervisor, all behind-the-scenes television work,
concert reviews, band reviews, radio, the blogosphere, etc.
I suppose I just need to find ways to experience them,
instead of doing such an impeccable job thinking about everything.

Mellow, mellow where art thou mellow?

A negative post was not in the plan,
but what is this for if not venting.

The efficiency of this study abroad program is lacking at best,
but that can be doable.
There is one aspect that I truly cannot seem to grasp any logic for,
the living situation.

They put us in the Student Village.
The Student Village is where all the "freshers" live.
Every house surrounding me is running rampant with "freshers".

My house specifically is supposedly made up of four 18 year old boys,
three fresher girls, and three Upperclass American students.
I say supposedly because I have not had less than 8 boys in my house since I arrived.

Though it was not my reaction to college,
I understand the idea that freshers come and drink constantly into oblivion.
Fine.
My question is why would you put all of us in the middle of them?
The on-campus dorms with experienced upperclassmen seems much more logical on every count in my book.
Oh well.

I guess I will be having many middle of the night posts,
due to the loud, drunkness I am currently coated in.

Is it 2012 or something? No, a pipe burst on the fifth floor.

Time to wipe the virtual dust off my corner table.
Feels very similar to the comfort of opening your go-to favorite book.

I have been in Swansea, Wales going on 12 days now,
it feels like at least a month.
I will be in this flooding, crack-den of a dorm hall until Wednesday,
but it has had some wondrous perks.
The other American students (those not in London for the pre-sessional) live here too.
How I got so lucky is beyond me,
but each of them have made me thankful to be an American in some way or another.

Swansea itself is immaculate.
The architecture, parks, and sea are breathtaking.
It is a city meant to be explored by foot,
though the bus seems to be the peoples' choice.

It is going to take me quite longer than I expected to figure out these people known as the Welsh.
For some reason, you (or I) walk into a country with such a historical connection to your own that your subconscious
tricks you into thinking you are a similar creature.
False.
So far, similarities are much harder to come by than I imagined coming in.
You know what they say about assuming...
It would seem from our one Canadian, great statistic I know,
that Canada and the UK are contrastingly very similar.
I will save my assessment for a while.

The hardest acclamation is very easy to pin-point,
FOOD!!!!
It is no lie that flavor is lost right past the immigration line.
There has been a saving grace however,


Franco is an Italian who hates Wales,
but knows how to run a restaurant.
Vast menu and delectable food,
by far best bang for the pound.

In the coming week I will move to the Student Flats, local students will arrive, finish the teaching part of the pre-sessional course, and head to Dublin.
Perfect storm for a superb post to follow.

Love tank.

In order to understand me on any kind level beyond the surface,
one must understand a few things,
but one in particular.
Love and relationships are not something I have witnessed in the positive.

Today, I learned of the official demise of one of my oldest and dearest friend’s parents’ marriage.
This does not sound like a surprising notion today I realize,
but one must also know that I attended a very conservation and very Christian high school.
This family, so dear to my heart, falls distinctively in both of those categories.
It breaks my heart on so many levels,
to see a person who was always the most doting father peace out,
seemingly without a care.

Do people truly love one another anymore?

I have never experienced it,
or really seen it,
but I would really like to believe in it.

I am at the pathetic point of no longer enjoying many romantic stories,
because I find the concept so laughable.
If I ever had faith or hope in love,
the tank is running on light fumes.
Wish I knew where to stop to fill it up.
Finally feeling it for myself,
seems like it might be the only way.

Hate this feeling of such cynicism.
I love sarcasm and realism,
but not cynicism.

Wish that cure was easier to come by…

Book club wonderings

Bloodroot
Tunneling to the center of the earth
You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning
The film club
Living dead in dallas
A treasury of southern folklore
The book of secrets: miracles ancient and modern
We have always lived in the castle
Dandelion wine
The young people's speaker
Twilight- william gay
The pillowman
Between the lines
Les fleurs du mal
The fountainhead
The grass harp
Music for chameleons
The ballad of the sad cafe
The heart is a lonely hunter
Wise blood.

Read a site recommending these books. Read any of them? Any suggestions of ones you enjoyed? Don't want to draw out of a hat :p

Where is the remote?

Ever experienced the moment where you know the part of a movie or show is coming, but instead of getting lost in its wonder, a shower comes through blocking the signal?
This is how I feel my life is playing out day-to-day.
My life is on pause just as I am awaiting the best part of it to begin.
I can see through the static of what is to come or what once was, but the haze is getting thicker and I am losing the soulful parts.
All the splendid parts are getting lost in translation:
The way you feel when you see someone who changed your life one day,
or the day you learned what makes you tick.
I am trying to grasp ahold of these moments that brought me to today,
awaiting the adventure that forever change how I see the world.
I cannot wait, but pause is a very uncomfortable place to sit.

Casting Call

The other day I was asked a three-part question at work,
that has lingered in my mind ever since.
Normally these type questions I blow off as wasteful,
but not this week.

"What would be the opening scene of your movie, what song would be playing, and who would play you?"

The last part of the question still fell into the "I don't give a shit" category,
but the other two stroked a chord or two.
Music is what keeps me breathing some days,
leaving that as an undertone for the immense contemplation.

I did, however, have an instantaneous reaction.
La Rocca's "Non-Believer"
The scene choice was very broad,
but the instant reaction I feel says so much.
It is what I think of my life off the cuff,
without contemplation.
As someone who contemplates everything in excess,
it took me off guard.

At least I get to contemplate the meaning of that now,
or is that one to just let be?

As I shuffle through my many, newly downloaded songs,
I now ask myself if that is actually what should be "the chosen one".
Isn't the song that ends the movie really the significant one?

I wish the movie would be interesting.
For all the thought I have wasted on it,
it should be casting soon.